LGBT writer, a short story "for sale by God."

This is  a short story I wrote for a brake for my new novel. It's only 936 words.

For Sale by God

By Jane B. Lee

It was not a big church. It was all brick. Nice red brick that turns richer with age. It had a steeple, with a bell to call the faithful to service. Six stained glass windows adorned my side. I assume six others adorned the north side. Each depicted one of the stations of the cross. The church doors were wide and carved. The pouch in front of the door was large and inviting. Bride after bride, over the years, came flowing, smiling, blushing, and bursting through those door on to the porch to cheers and rice.

The church stood on the corner of Main and Central in small town some fifty miles north of Indy. The town had, at most, one hundred houses. Not all were inhabited. 

I was driving north on route 31 to spend the night in Kokomo, Indiana.

The church would not have gotten my attention, except for the sign. “For sale by owner” and with a telephone number. That must be a direct line to God!

I just had to call.

Now you realize that since the invention of God, only holy men or women, priests, soothsayers, some crazies and evangelists can hear the word of God. Less your soul be lost, they and only they can hear and interpret and understand the word of God. Usually for a price.

I, being none of the above, will not attempt to translate the words of God for you. I want nothing in return for my experience, except your eyes and ears for the next few minutes.

Unless you are crazy, an evangelist, priest, profit, soothsayer, holy man or woman, you will not be able to read the words of God as written here. You will just be able to read my side of the conversation with God. You will have to fill in the words of God for yourself.

I had to jot down God’s number. I still have it, just in case of an emergency like near death experience, or the perfect sunset. Something really important like that.

Well, I thought about it all the way to the hotel. I guess I should call, I thought, after all God gave me his/her number.

Tap, Tap, Tap, ring ring.

Hey, God. How you doing?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

Yeah, this is me. Well, God I saw your house for sale. I’m interested. So, give me a call. I’m traveling so use my cell phone. That’s silly of course you know I’m travelling. OK, call me.

I felt so stupid calling God and getting voice mail. Well, at least I didn’t get put on hold. The purgatory on earth. HOLD.

A few minutes later my phone, well they don’t ring any more, they play songs. Gods song was something by Handle or Mozart. Anyway, I can’t tell them apart. I guess God got them to write something special when cell phones were invented.

God, dawg, what’s up?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>. >>>> !

Sorry Jesus. I can’t tell you apart. You both sound alike. What’s happening?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

I know.  Call screening.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>. >>>.

I know. Lots of callers. Hard to know which one to answer.

>>>>>>>>>>>>.. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>?

Everyone, Really. Every little thing. It’s a bother, I know.

>>>>>>>>>>>>.

Jesus.

>>>>>>>>>>>>. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>. >>>>>>>>>>>>.

Jesus. I’m on a cell phone here. I don’t know the rates to heaven. So, can we just get with it?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

That Ok Jesus. I understand all the calls, etc. Well, why I called.

>>>>>>>>>>>.

That’s Ok Jesus. No problem.

>>>>>>>>>.

I saw your sign for sale. That looks like a nice little church. Can I ask a few questions?

>>>>.

First. Why are you selling it?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

Yeah. Nothing but heathens.

>>>>>>>>>>.

Can’t make a profit.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>. >>>>>>>>>.

Not like the old days I’m sure.

>>>>.

What’s the best thing about your church?

>>>>>>>>>. >>>>>>>>>!

The awesome wine cellar. Really?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

Fully stocked with Mogen David. I thought that was a Jewish wine?

>>>>>>>>. >>>>>>>>>>.

Yes, I knew your folks were Jewish.

>>>.

You just grew up with a taste for Mogen Davis. I understand. I meant nothing by that, I hope you know.

>>>>>.

Happens all the time. Sorry, being a convert is not easy. I know.

>>>.

How’s the A/C?

>>>>>>>>.

None. Really. Well, how’s the heat?

>>>>>>>>>.

Fire and brim stone would make for a toasty place. And not that expensive, if you take it on the average over a life time.

>>>>>>>>>>.

By, the way how long would that be for me?

>>>>>.

Not telling me, are you.

>>>>>>>>>>>.

Oh, me. Why do I want to buy the church?

>>>.

Well, I was thinking of starting my own religion. A church is kind of necessary, if you want to be taken seriously. Kind of a jump start.

>>>>>>>>>>>>.

No, I didn’t realize you franchised.

>>>>>.

Well, I kind of figured the Baptist were franchised.

>>>>>>>>>>>.

Church of Christ. Yea, I kind of saw that coming.

>>>>>.

How about the Church of Scientology?

>>>>@#$^%$>>>>.

Sorry. Sorry. I won’t bring it up again. Sorry.

>>>>.

Accepted.

>>>>.

Can you send me a brochure?

>>>.

Look in my briefcase? Sure. I see it.

>>>>>>.

Ok. How much?

>>>>>>>>>>>$

That much? I’ll have to see about a loan.

>>>>>>.

Oh. Yes. I knew you don’t like. What did you call them money changers?

>>.

Right. I wouldn’t go to the devil for a loan.

>>>>.

Commission? A little each week? I can do that.

>>>>>>>>.

Well, Jesus. I guess were in business. Aw, just one question? Does this guarantee my way into heaven?

>>>>>>. >>>>>. NO!

 


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